These are the things I never told you.

Sometimes I wish I was free
My head is clearer without you
Yet my shitty heart is relieved when you come home

You are extreme
I can’t find safe middle ground
Destroy me by day, adore me by night

Before you came I was alone
I had control and a good life
Now I’m yours, everything I touch fucks up

Exhausted

When people describe me, the first thing they say is
“She’s the happy one”
My character is defined by cheerfulness
But no-one can be happy all the time.

I can also be miserable,
Morose, melancholy.
The only difference between me and everyone else
Is that I shove that sadness somewhere where it won’t bother me

Everyone needs an optimist; but sometimes
Holding up a smile
Is more exhausting than simply being sad.

A Sledging Poem – By Dad

Noses are red, fingers are blue
Sledging is fun (until you fall off)
*
Lucy is a teenager
And all the boys have fled
For now she is a fearsome lass
Especially on a sled
*
If you hear her coming down the hill
Just get out of the way fast
She’ll flatten you against the hedge
Unless you let her past
*
When sledgings over, peace returns
And Lucy trudges home
Keen for warmth and food and company
At the end of a long days roam

Her Request

Several months ago I received a request
It was from a close friend of mine, one warm, cozy night
We shared a double bed – she lay on her side, facing me
I stared blindly up at the ceiling, lying on my back, arms crossed over my stomach
As it often does with late hours, the conversation turned deep
We talked of things we’d never told anyone else, as though our souls were opened for the first time
As the conversation lulled, she leant up on one elbow and made a request of me
And at that moment, I froze
Every clamouring thought in my head stilled and I blinked up at the ceiling for what seemed like minutes
She lay, waiting, expecting, just as nervous as I was
Then I turned to face her, and gave her my answer.

Several months ago I received a request
And I wish I could return to that late, hot, cozy night and receive it again
Because I gave her the wrong answer
And my answer destroyed everything that we could’ve been
I’ve regretted it every time I’ve met you… and every moment in-between
I’m sorry, can we go back to that hazy night when you made your request?
I want to change us.

The Human

A human being.

So many needs, so many desires

The wish for happiness, for acceptance, for love, for success

The yearning to prove oneself, to earn your place

To show the world that you matter.

 

And when you are gone, buried in the cold earth,

Who will miss you?

Who will mourn you? Who will have their every moment

Marked by your absence, the dark bird towering over their shoulder?

Who will care?

Because you may be gone, and you may be missed

By some – by the little circle you called your own;

But to the world, we are just a statistics.

 

In the end, what are we

But one number surrounded by billions more

Each with their little dreams and needs and loves

Until they, too, are gone.

How Are You?

You can’t ask, ‘How are you?’ and accept the answer you receive.

You ask, ‘How are you?’ and watch their face,
Their eyes, their mouth, their body – making sure that they are not sinking,
Aren’t falling, but are still standing and strong
And able to keep their chin up and look you in the eye,
Smile and say, ‘I’m good.’

*

And if they are flagging and struggling you reach out
And let them lean on your backbone
Gather your own strength and sleep inside your heart
Until they are ready to climb up and face
The world again.