This Prison We Share

“Can we carry this love that we share
Into the open air?” (x)

As Anna’s fury began to drain away, like the puddles after thunderstorms, she was left with emptiness, no feeling but the throb of her cheekbone. The silent rooms around her yawned out, the music that Cally loved so much silenced. That was all her fault. She’s destroyed the music, and laughed as she did so; and the expression on her face would be something Anna remembered forever.

Oh gods, what had she done? She hadn’t meant to push the girl so hard, to cut her so deeply. Months of being cooped up on house arrest were driving her wild, but Cally was sweet and vulnerable. Snapping on her was like taking a magnifying glass to ants and watching them burn, for a lack of more interesting things to do.

Anna slipped out of the doorway, treading past the evidence of their fight; Cally’s broken records, lying smashed on the stone floor. Never again would their music fill the rooms, removing their grim reality and replacing it with hope. Now the walls pressed in, a reminder of the prisoners they were.

Anna slipped inside the room, moving to the end of the bed. In the gloom, Cally’s form was a dark island in the white seas of sheets. Even asleep, her forehead was tied up in unhappiness, and the moonlight illuminated silver tears trails staining her cheeks. She looked broken, tiny in the expanse of the room. The girl was so coiled up within herself, it seemed like a desperate attempt to hide; to make herself less of a target. Anna looked at her, and the dam inside her broke.

“Oh, gods.” Her voice, riddled with guilt, shattered the words. Lifting up the sheets the girl slid in, pressing herself to Cally’s back, wrapping her arms around her protectively. The girl stirred.

“I’m so sorry,” Anna whispered, again and again. “I’m sorry, Cally.” She was trying to heal wounds with words, perfectly well knowing nothing she said would be enough. “Cally, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” The girl in her arms turned to face her, her hair dark in the moonlight. Cally’s fingers brushed against her girlfriend’s cheek, where the bruise was already swelling. She said nothing. Burying her face in Anna’s shoulder, her thin fingers dug in and clung, and she drifted off to sleep.

Anna stayed awake. The fragile body in her arms, so tiny and easy to miss, was infinitely precious. She kissed her cool forehead, wishing she could smooth out the worries that lingered there. How long will the two of them remain like this, locked up in this tiny cage? With Anna as the feral beast and Cally a mouse of a girl, there can surely be only one ending to this story. Anna shiverd, holding the girl close, and wished things were different.

The Monster Within

Her first words:
“You seem happy,”
My first thoughts:
-It’s working. I’m believable. They can’t see the monster inside-
I smile, thank her, excuse myself with extreme politeness and etiquette
With many apologies, carefully make my way through the crowd
-this party makes me want to claw someone’s eyes out, if I stay here another second I’ll end up slaughtering all these ignorant pigs-
A stiletto heel stabs my into foot, pierces the skin
A flash of pain is instantly followed by a surge of fury
From my feet, through my bones, washing through my crotch and tightening my stomach, sending my heart racing in delicious anticipation Bloodlust, tactical and systematic
Bloodlust, craving and desire
How can I cause the most pain with what I have?
And even as the woman – large breasted, champagne glass in hand, – spouts her slurred sorrys, I can only see the blood in her neck
Her blood, pumping, her pain
Her voice screaming
I breathe quickly, my chest rising and falling, oxygen straight to my sharp head
-make her suffer, make her shriek, stab her eyes out with those excruciating shoes of hers-
My foot throbs with my heartbeat, I can feel the blood swell up and roll down the side of my foot
I breathe with flared nostrils
The foolish woman leans forward, her breasts swelling and threatening to explode from her dress
-I’m going to kill this woman-
I breathe, I stare at her, her mouth still forming those stupid words
-I need to go-
In the dank bathroom there’s no-one to suspect
The crack in the mirror cuts me in half
I stare at the girl I don’t understand
A hatred that must’ve come from somewhere
A darkness that someone must’ve dug into my heart
A violence that sickens… and delights me. I want it, I want them dead, I want to kill my parents and my lovers and my children-
But-
Who am I?
Monster. Human.
Terrified Girl. Terrible beast.
Torturously Cruel. Trying to be kind.
I am at war with myself and the victories are occurring less and less.
One day soon I know it will break free
I’ll be free
She’ll be free and we’ll all be dead.