The promises I made to you linger on
They wrap around my limbs and pull me in the direction you believe is right
I can feel them, like thin wires on my flesh
Their gentle tugging, so insistent and plaintive
Your voice calling in my ear; guiding me down a path that I can’t see the end of
I am yours to command
When I gave you my words and bound myself to you
It came from trust – it came from love
But I hardly recognise you now
It’s the same face but something changed inside you
The way your wear your body is different, wrong somehow
How can I trust that the direction you take me is right?
I think about breaking the wires, of ripping them from my limbs and walking free
Of choosing my own path without the nagging guilt
But at the same time, it is the only think that links me to you
And this irrational love controls me
All those days that you longed for it, begged for it
All the terrible times you told me that it would be so much easier if you were gone, and I felt like every goodbye would be the very last one
That moment at the end of all things when you knelt down in the ashes and prayed like your heart was burning
You lived so recklessly, as though you welcomed the consequences, as though you just wanted it over with
But it wasn’t death that you were looking for
Lying here in this hospital bed, your grey lips open around this fragile truth;
You never wanted to die. You only wanted control.
Control of your body, control of your fate, control of the voices in your head.
The ultimate way to show that your life is your own is to push it over the edge.
But now, as you hover inches from away from death – paralyzed within this terrible hovering in-between state – you realise the truth… and you wish you could start again.